Zone Positive

The happiest people have strong relationships in their lives. http://tinyurl.com/29gseclb

Relationships are paramount to  our survival and our well-being http://tinyurl.com/y9k2adt

How to get along with a workplace bully (wish I had read this years ago) http://tinyurl.com/2bsnxt9

So I’d like to have more friends in my life.  But how well do I relate to others and do I actually enjoy meeting new people?  Is the idea of going to a cocktail party where I don’t know anyone—do I view it as an exciting event or dreadful occasion? My sister-in-law is squarely in the former camp (loves parties!) while I’m inclined to think “how soon can I leave”.

I suppose I should look back at my history of relationships. 

Attachment theory states that the quality of our childhood relationships with our parents has been determined to have profound implications on our healthy psychological functioning as adults.  Research demonstrates that this helps to build a foundation of confidence, trust, and self-efficacy that will serves us over the course of a lifetime. Children with secure relationships tend to grow up to be more compassionate, altruistic, and attuned to the needs of others.

Exercise :  How would you describe your relationships

A simple quiz was devised by psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver  to understand how you relate to people in your life.   Which answer best describes you?

*  I find it relatively easy to get close to other people.  I am comfortable depending on other people and having them depend on me.  I don’t worry about being abandoned or about having someone get too close to me.

*  I find it difficult to trust people completely.  I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others.  I feel nervous when people start to get too close.  Often, I feel like people want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.  I find it difficult to allow myself to depend on other people. 

*  I find that other people are reluctant to get as close as I would like.  I often worry that someone I am close to doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me.  I want to merge completely with another person, and this sometimes scares people away. 

Answer number 1 describes secure relationships

Answer number 2 describes avoidant relationships

Answer number 3 describes ambivalent relationships.

 I do find it easy to get close to other people—including my parents when they were alive.  So it’s not the quality of the relationships that I’m fussed by, I’d just like to have a few more of them.  

 How did you answer the question above—describing your relationships?  Do you believe it has to do with attachment theory?

Recommended Reading:

Minding the Close Relationship by John H. Harvey and Julia Omarzu

References:

Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (2001). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2000). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Goleman, D. (2006). Social Intelligence. The Revolutionary New Science of Human Relationships.  New York: Bantum Dell.

Harvey, J. H. (2001). Odyssey of the Heart: Close Relationships in the 21st Century. 2nd ed. New York: W.H. Freeman.

Harvey, J.H. & Omarzu, J. (1999). Minding the Close Relationship: A Theory of Relationship Enhancement. New York: Cambridge University Press.

For many years traditional psychology has focused on us as individuals. It has all been about us!  Yet one of the most consistent findings from Positive Psychology is that other people matter.  Extroverts report being significantly happier than introverts.  Our willingness to trust others drives our ability to forge meaningful relationships and succeed in teams and in love.  How trusting are you of your friends and your colleagues?  What’s holding you back?  Our course in Positive Relationships probe these questions and more.